What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Ape together strong
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”