When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.