If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water