One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
“What?”
– Jude
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.