ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
quarantine day 3
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.