“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
You Might Also Like
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.