I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here