Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
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*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.