*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.