I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
decorating my apartment
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.