Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You Might Also Like
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
bro what is going on at twitter
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Good advice.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one