Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two