[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.