“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
did it work
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim