Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.