Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
remember
only for emergencies
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
For cardio I live beyond my means.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
A small tragedy.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea