9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*