*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: π©πππ
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Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, theyβre starving.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because Iβm an Indian doesnβt mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like Iβm in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, iβd better take this
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask βAre you ok?β
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
as a millennial dad Iβve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said βoh she in her marinara era for realβ and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
who started finding eggs and was like βit was probably a rabbitβ
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Mad Max Arctic Road
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.