“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.