“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse