I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.