Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.