A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.