Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny