[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
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parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.