[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!