What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise