accurate
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Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there