*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.