They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
How is it still this week?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.