If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there