remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.