nobody’s gonna understand
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
bugs when you lift up a rock
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it