I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Schrödinger’s cookie
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
No laws when master is gone
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Inside you there are two wolves
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”