If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
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Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.