When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
You Might Also Like
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I love you to the refrigerator and back