I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]