Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
why I oughta
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.