me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
the composer
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
mumsnet is amazing
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?