GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
this is literally a CIA plant