My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Not😆🤣
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins