Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.