[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.