Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)