Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.