I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
why am I working on Labor Day
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish