some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Super Hand Dog Face
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too