Uh oh…
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God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot