“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.