*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Basketball
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.